


Goddamn Celine Dion Makes Me Want To Smite Myself

by peace_love_happiness



Series: Crowley's Bentley is the ultimate matchmaker [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Celine Dion songs, Fluff, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 06:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19351651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peace_love_happiness/pseuds/peace_love_happiness
Summary: In which post-Notpocalypse, Crowley's Bentley switches from Queen to Celine Dion songs.





	Goddamn Celine Dion Makes Me Want To Smite Myself

**Author's Note:**

> While this is a sequel to [We Will Rock You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19272418), it is standalone, so don't worry. You can continue.

It was a few weeks after the failed apocalypse. Crowley was driving Aziraphale home from the Ritz, and pressed the play button on the radio. However, instead of the loud eighties rock of Queen, a more mellow song played:

 _“_ [ _Near, far, wherever you are_ ](https://youtu.be/Qz9RTOKpLsM?t=58)

_I believe that the heart does go on_

_Once more you open the door_

_And you're here in my heart_

_And my heart will go on and on.”_

Crowley froze, a look of absolute shock on his face. “Aziraphale, what’s the radio playing?”

“Well, it’s not Queen, whatever it is.”

“It’s not Queen.” Crowley paused for a moment. “It’s not Queen!” He sat up and pumped his fists in the air. “Oh, it’s finally over! Thirty years of Freddie Mercury and finally I am free!”

“Oh, I recognized this song.” Aziraphale leaned in, listening. “Isn’t it from that one movie about the Titanic?”

“You mean Titanic,” said Crowley, raising an eyebrow.

“I think that’s what it was called, yes.”

Crowley had taken him to see Titanic sometime in February after it came out, saying it was on track to be the highest performing film of all time and he had to check it out. Despite the fact the film had been out for months, the theater was still packed. Aziraphale had thought it was a lovely film about star-crossed lovers. Crowley had claimed to have slept through most of the movie, saying it was just another dull romance that just happened to take place on the Titanic, but Aziraphale swore that he heard him sniffle during the final moments of the movie.

“Well, we’re not listening to this crap.” Crowley went right to his stack of CDs and popped in one of that not-bebop ground, Velvet Underground.

“I think it’s a lovely song,” said Aziraphale.

“Pfft. Celine Dion sucks. The only people who like Celine Dion are middle-aged housewives.” Crowley pressed play. A woman who sounded suspiciously similar to Celine Dion sang,

_“[What to you say to takin' chances?](https://youtu.be/DpZu2AdqtY8?t=50) _

_What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?”_

“NO!” screamed Crowley. He flipped through radio station after radio station quickly, but a Celine Dion song was on every single one. “No no no! Not Celine Dion! Oh, anybody but Celine Dion, please!” He hit the dashboard. “Stop this now!”

“Oh dear,  your Bentley’s switched from Queen to Celine Dion.” Crowley had a look of utter panic on his face, and was frantically trying CDs on the Bentley. “Well, at least it’s something different,” said Aziraphale. Crowley’s Bentley had switched to Queen sometime in the late 80s. Crowley had been extremely angry about it at first, but somewhat reluctantly accepted it. Sometimes Aziraphale caught him humming Somebody To Love, but Crowley always vehemently denied that he was.

“You don’t understand, Aziraphale.” Crowley looked at him, desperation in his eyes. “Everyone likes Queen. Sure it’s annoying listening to nothing but them, but they sing catchy songs. Celine Dion is an overrated piece of-” He slumped on the wheel of his car. “Why? Why are you doing this?! I’m happy with where I am, you bastard!” He hit the radio again.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh nothing, just an argument we’ve been having for a few years now. Too many years now, damn Bentley!”

Celine Dion sang:

_“[I drove all night to get to you](https://youtu.be/3wnJNguOmAM?t=53) _

_Is that all right?”_

“I’ll sell you for parts, you bastard!” shouted Crowley.

* * *

When they got to his bookshop, Crowley came in, went through the backroom, and drank a half-bottle of wine right from the bottle.

“Crowley! At least pour it in a glass.” Aziraphale took the bottle away and went for the wine glasses. Crowley slumped on the couch.

“At least it happened after the Notpocalypse or whatever. If I had to drive around saving the world listening to Drove All Night instead of I’m In Love With My Car…” Crowley shivered aththe thought. “No. That’s just humiliating.”

“But why would the Bentley go from Queen to Celine Dion?” asked Aziraphale. “They aren’t similar at all.” Aziraphale thought about it. “Well, they sing a lot about love, I suppose.”

“Queen has plenty of songs that aren’t about love,”

“Whenever I’m in your car, it’s a love song.” While Crowley said he had done the math and the Queen Greatest Hits album the Bentley had picked had twenty songs, the same couple always seemed to play when he was in the car, it seemed. Bohemian Rhapsody was another movie Crowley had taken him to, insisting he learn more about the backstory of “the group who plagues me constantly.” It had been a decent movie, but Aziraphale had never heard the title song. Crowley scowled when he told him that, and yelled at the Bentley a bit who then added it to the loop that played when he was with Crowley.

“Yeah, that’s because, you know, it’s trying to…”

“Trying to what?”

“Celine Dion has nothing but love songs. Now I don’t even get a break when I’m with you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? The Bentley plays normal music when I’m not around?”

“No, it just plays different Queen songs. Like I’m In Love With My Car. So much I’m In Love With My Car. I think it’s trying to brainwash me.”

“It only plays love songs when I’m around?”

“No!” said Crowley quickly. “It plays love songs all the time. Just- Oh, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Yeah.” Crowley downed his glass of wine in one go.

Oh dear. Did the Bentley know of his feelings for Crowley? Aziraphale may have slightly been pining for him since the 1940s. No, that made no sense. Why would it torture Crowley with that? Was the Bentley trying to help? “Is the Bentley trying to brainwash you into falling in love, Crowley?”

“What? No! I know exactly what it’s doing, Aziraphale.” Crowley nodded. “Don’t you worry about it. It’s just being a little brat?

* * *

The next day when Crowley picked Aziraphale up, no music was playing.

“You always have music playing, Crowley. The white noise helps you concentrate, doesn’t it?”

“Celine Dion isn’t white noise, she’s torture,” said Crowley.

“Oh, she really isn’t that bad. Here.” Aziraphale pressed the play button.

_“[We're heading for something](https://youtu.be/8187vst5bGY?t=169) _

_Somewhere I've never been_

_Sometimes I am frightened_

_But I'm ready to learn_

_Of the power of love.”_

“You’re headed for nowhere if you keep this up,” said Aziraphale.

“I think it’s a sweet song. Two people, scared to make the next move, but ready for love.” Aziraphale nodded and looked at Crowley, who was looking a bit panicked for some reason. Why? If anything this song was about Aziraphale. It was always him who was scared. ‘We’re heading for something,’ Celine Dion had sang. ‘We’re’.

Did Crowley love him too, romantically? Aziraphale knew that Crowley loved him as a dear friend. Aziraphale thought back to all the comments he had made. ‘ _I’m happy with where I am._ ’ They have been spending much more time together post-Notpocalypse now that they no longer had to worry about their superiors noticing.They’ve met up at least once a day since then. Was… Was the Bentley trying to get them together through the power of 80s and 90s love ballads?

Aziraphale switched to the next song out of curiosity. _Give me a sign,_ he thought.

_“[And when all hope is gone, I'm here](https://youtu.be/61PKwZq1bNE?t=76) _

_No matter how far you are, I'm near_

_It makes no difference who you are_

_I am your angel.”_

Crowley looked a bit like he was going to be sick. Aziraphale’s mind was buzzing with happiness. This song was too spot on. The Bentley had given him a sign. Crowley was in love with him.

“Maybe I should get a Spotify account or something,” said Crowley. “That’s on the Internet. Do you think the Bentley would be able to fuck that up? Probably, oh, who am I kidding?”

“It’s true, you know?” said Aziraphale.

“What?”

“The song,” said Aziraphale.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just, the Bentley picks songs that could be about us a lot, you know.”

“It doesn’t.,” said Crowley quickly.

“But it does,” pushed Aziraphale. “Like that one Queen song it used to play every time I drove with you. ‘Dining at the Ritz, we meet at nine-”

“Please don’t sing,” said Crowley. “Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy is not about us, plenty of people dine at the Ritz. Besides, these songs are written so everyone can relate to them. They have mass appeal. I should know, I helped invent pop music. Worst thing I ever did, if you ask me.”

“But, but this song is right. I am your angel, Crowley.”

“You’re my angel?” Crowley raised an eyebrow.

Celine Dion continued to sing.

_“And when it seems as if your end is drawing near_

_Don't you dare give up the fight_

_Just put your trust beyond the skies_

_I'll be your cloud up in the sky._ ”

“See? When the end was coming near, I gave you motivation. I helped you believe that we could save the day, you know?"

"I don't think this song is meant to be taken literally," said Crowley.

"Perhaps. It’s not just this song though. Look.” _Pick a good one_ , thought Aziraphale.

_“[You gave me wings and made me fly](https://youtu.be/K_9QtL-L16o?t=84) _

_You touched my hand I could touch the sky”._

Aziraphale paused it. “See? This song is about us.”

Crowley gave him a long look. “Just what does Celine Dion’s ‘Because You Loved Me’ have to do with us?”

“It’s the same thing as the previous one, you know? We, we need each other, you know?”

“You don’t need me,” said Crowley.

“Maybe I don’t ‘need’ you, like, technically live without you. But I much prefer it when you’re around.”

“Whatever,” said Crowley.

Aziraphale pressed play again.

_“You said no star was out of reach.”_

He paused it. “Well, this one works in the literal and metaphorical fashion. When things were bad, you said we could go to Alpha Centauri. But then you changed your mind-”

“The only reason I changed my mind was because of you.”

“Well, then I’m the ‘you’ in this part of the song, I suppose. I gave you faith when things were bad.”

Aziraphale pressed play again.

_“You stood by me and I stood tall_

_I had your love I had it all.”_

“And this part is relevant because… Because we love each other, right?”

Crowley stared at him for a long moment. ”

“Do you?” Crowley asked quietly.

“I do.”

"Oh angel." Crowley’s voice was reverent.

“Crowley, I think your Bentley has been trying to get us together for thirty years. Am I right?”

“Yes. It has. Damn thing’s been torturing me for decades. I- I love you too.”

They both smiled at each other. Aziraphale grabbed Crowley’s hand and leaned in close.

_“[Oh, it's almost blinding me](https://youtu.be/XIfFvBzh3b8?t=63) _

_I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love”_

“Oh, you’re ruining the moment,” said Crowley, pulling away. “Shut up!”

And for once, the Bentley did.

* * *

The next day, when Crowley picked him up to take him on their official date to the Ritz, Queen was playing.

“Oh, it didn’t switch back to Queen, did it? Were we wrong?”

“Nope.” Crowley held up an album, Queen’s Greatest Hits II.

“You’re listening to Queen willingly?”

“Hey, you listen to almost nothing but them for over thirty years, you get pretty used to it. Besides, I no longer have to listen to their top twenty songs, you know? I can have a bit more variety.”

Aziraphale shook his head, a smile on his face. Together, they drove off.

[ _“And we can have forever_ ](https://youtu.be/_TsOPjZEF6E?t=170)

_And we can love forever_

_Forever is our today.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Crowley took Aziraphale to see Titanic on Valentine’s Day, because they’re both idiots. But they’re in love, so I suppose it’s okay. 
> 
> The title of this is from the underrated Supernatural episode My Heart Will Go On, where Balthazar, the most underrated character in the entire show, goes back in time and makes it so the Titanic will never sink so Celine Dion will never get popular. Then like eight seasons later the whole world goes under a truth spell and it's revealed one of the main character's favorite season is Celine Dion. It's some high quality storytelling. 
> 
> Yes, I have a [tumblr](https://peace-love-happiness.tumblr.com/). Give me a follow. Shout at me about whatever.


End file.
